PHELPS MANIA

I’m absolutely not trying to diminish the mind-blowing feats achieved by Michael Phelps in Beijing, but it was surreal to see the commentators analyze and dissect his body with the help state-of-the-art computer graphics in order to explain his success. Does the whole world need to know that his flat butt helps him move faster in the water? I wonder, would they say the same thing about a runner’s smallish, tight nutsac?

They went into great detail about his caloric intake, including a long list of breakfast items, and I thought to myself, “Oh boy, if they’re going down this road, the next logical topic is to discuss his ‘output’ (to put it delicately), and if this devolves into athletic scat talk (to put it indelicately), I’m so out of here.”

And why not mention his lisp, his candidacy for cosmetic dental work, and his penchant for saying “I’m at a loss of words” instead of “I’m at a loss FOR words”?

Anyway, I started pondering what was behind this odd line of thought, which led me to a sort of nightmarish semiotic flashback to the six-year sentence I served in UCSD’s Lit Crit Viper Pit. I then recalled clipping a short piece out of the New Yorker which epitomized academic folly for me in a very sharp manner. (June 9 & 16, 2008) In “Goombah 101,” Joan Acocella wrote that Fordham University recently hosted a conference about “The Sopranos.” Two paper titles she mentioned were:

“Blabbermouth Cunts”: “The Sopranos” and the Feminist Dilemma

A “Finook” in the Crew: Vito Spatafore and the Queering of the Mob Genre

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, really. Maybe academia really is mental masturbation at its core. These dickwads respond to some pop-culture product on a gut level, then try to justify this obsession with theoretical tracts about “what’s at stake,” in the immortal words of the UCSD queer theory specialist whose name must never be spoken. I know someone who wrote a paper on the Spice Girls. Enough said.

So in the spirit of academic hoo-ha, here are some possible titles for you to chew on:

Patriotic Bodies: Large Wingspans, Flexible Ankles, and Flat Butts

Beijing’s Gold-Medal 100 Free Relay: Do Americans Display the Best Ab Domi-Nation?

Michael Phelps Dissected: Dolphin Kicks, Lingering Lisps, and Big Ears

Bullying Michael Phelps: Tweaked Ears and the Revenge of the Nerd

The Most Important Meal of the Day: Michael Phelps, Wheaties, and Chocolate Chip Pancakes

I Will Be Your Father Figure: Michael Phelps, Mark Spitz, and Unmarried Coaches