A GAY HERO FOR OUR TIME

Why is diving so gay?

I think that’s a rhetorical question, but I’m not sure. Is there something about displaying one’s nearly naked body in all sorts of uncomfortably sexy positions that attracts gay men disproportionately (as both participants and observers)? Is it just porn with gravity and chlorine?

Between the slo-mo, the stro-mo, the grunt mic, and the underwater camera (showing lots of adjustments and even a few cracks), the coverage of the Beijing diving events was almost too much to bear. I was riveted.

Do you remember when someone produced a video of Greg Louganis diving in slow motion, set to classical music? That was spooge-tastic, and not just in the obvious way.

If diving is gay, then synchronized diving is extremely gay, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. One straight male blogger was made uncomfortable by footage of the diving partners showering off and chatting after each dive. Hello?! Have you ever been in a locker room? Making small talk in the shower is a friggin art form. Could that writer be more stereotypically straight, projecting his own repressed fantasies and obvious homophobia?

The two divers didn’t just finish having sex. The glowing, sheepish, pissed, or pained looks they’re shooting at each other have to do with athletic performance, not sexual performance, as much as we might wish for the latter. I guess that’s the difference between straight men and gay men. We have the same thoughts but different reactions to those thoughts: one group pukes and the other group shoots.

I say, MAKE DIVING GAYER. Feature different looks for each dive, with scores given for hairstyles, bathing suits, soundtrack, splash designs, and thematic unity. How about a series of snaps or dance moves to celebrate poolside? Synchronized diving could take it a step further, with the incorporation of synchronized swimming moves to transport divers from the point of entry to the deck. In what kind of formation will they pop out of the water? Such suspense! Or just a simple make-out session would suffice. Hot!

Speaking of hot, I have two words for you: Alexandre Despatie. This Canadian silver medalist is just head-bangingly gorgeous. On the flip side, what’s up with American Troy Dumais and his teensy nipples? The commentators mentioned that he had trained himself down to 4% body fat. Does that mean his body is so starved for fat that it’s sucking his nipples in? As the extreme bears at Lone Star might yell, “Eat something, Calista!”

Now back to Matthew Mitcham and what he has achieved. I cannot overemphasize what a huge deal this is for gays everywhere. To be the only openly gay male athlete at the 2008 Summer Games, and then to beat out the favorite on his home turf…that is the very definition of FABOO.

It’s true that NBC didn’t mention anything about Mitcham’s sexual orientation or milestone achievement, but if you watch the closing slo-mo montage with Bob Costas’ insipid voiceover, there is a brief shot of Mitcham hugging his mother in the stands after the medal ceremony.

I’m extremely interested to know how Mitcham has been portrayed by the Australian press and received by the Australian public. The sad truth is that you can be an Olympic gold medalist, but to some people you’re still just a fag and nothing more. Nothing is ever enough to erase that fact.

I remember when Greg Louganis was the grand marshal of San Diego’s Gay Pride Parade one year, and the fanatical Christians in the protest zone held up signs like, “Die of AIDS and Burn in Hell, Diseased Faggot.” Seriously.

While reading a Yahoo blog about Mitcham’s victory, I noticed one Neanderthal’s comment on Mitcham’s unfair advantage. It went something like this: Since he’s a fag, he’s used to holding his breath thanks to all the cocksucking. Huh?

In spite of such idiocy, I went to bed with a big smile on my face, and as I drifted off, I had the thought, “Well, at least we prevented a Chinese sweep of the diving medals.” I sat right up, just like in the movies, and went WTF?!

What the hell was this “we”, and why the nationalistic bent? I’ve never even visited Australia and I have nothing against the Chinese (except for my former landlord). It’s because the “we” was the gay “we,” which crosses all sorts of borders. And I felt that somehow I was able to share in this victory. I hope that Mitcham keeps representin’ and inspires a new generation of gays, athletes, gay athletes, and their supporters…just as he inspired a husky, balding, American, bitter queen over 40 with Speedo envy.