MARK & DANIEL

Mark & Daniel decided to get married at City Hall the night before Election Day, as gads of early voters flocked to the polls in the basement. The irony of the situation was apparent; one of my favorite slogans was “When do I get to vote on YOUR marriage?” Luckily, we were in San Francisco, so many voters emerging from the basement cheered and clapped for the same-sex couples marrying in the rotunda. In fact, one of these supportive types snapped this pic after the short but sweet ceremony.

The grooms’ biological families down in LA are wholly supportive but couldn’t attend due to the last-minute nature of the ceremony, so Matt and I were conscripted to serve as witnesses and media coordinators. As with “the girls” in the entry below, this decision took some balls/ovaries, asking someone who is so blatantly single to participate in such a momentous event, but allí está la gracia de la situación and I didn’t hesitate for a moment. After all, Mark & Daniel are my role models for couplehood. If I ever decide to settle down, the relationship will have to be a lot like theirs.

Matt filmed the proceedings while my job was to hold cell phones nearby so the families could listen in. I also provided a little comic relief when I got confused during the ring handoff. Nevertheless, we all lost our composure as Mark & Daniel sputtered and cried their way through their original vows, which they had composed privately and were hearing for the first time. Even the DMC (Deputy Marriage Commissioner) had tears in her eyes, and I was struck by the fact that their vows moved her even though she had performed hundreds of these ceremonies previously. There was so much power behind those words, it was really quite remarkable, and I allowed myself to think that love has to win out in the end.

The sad reality is that misguided and/or hateful people on the wrong side of history voted to take civil rights away from us. Someday I hope future generations (including their own kids) will gape in disbelief at the way the religious wrong used democracy for nefarious purposes through Prop 8. (2-4-6-8, separation of Church and State!) The two ceremonies recounted here were different in many ways, but what they had in common was an expression of love and acceptance in the face of hatred and intolerance. In a way, these two dear couples decided to take the plunge and hedge their bets at the same time: our commitment will last even if the law supporting it does not.

You’ll notice that the term “cynical idealism” appears in my blog’s subtitle, so if you’re ever looking for me, that’s where I’ll be: waiting for the bus at the intersection of Love and Pragmatism.

DENISE & JULIANNE

As you all know, the passage of Prop 8 was a travesty. I haven’t been this angry at California voters since Schwarzenegger was elected. Several friends tied the knot “before the deadline” (which is an awful thing to write when you think about it), but my teaching schedule only allowed me to attend two ceremonies. The first was Denise & Julianne’s shindig in Folsom. Photos courtesy of Nick & Ken, with the relevant caption appearing below each one. As always, click on the pics for a better view.



Here you can see the moment where I ripped the microphone out of the officiant’s hand and launched into an a cappella rendition of “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.” But seriously, folks, I was so honored when “the girls” asked me to give a reading at their ceremony, then so relieved that the text wasn’t some syrupy schmaltz I don’t really believe. I’ve posted the reading in the entry below titled CEREMONY TEXT. (By the way, the actual caption should read: “Don’t make me cry,” I whispered to Denise.)



Jackson joins his moms on the dance floor. The whole evening, I kept thinking, “This is my friggin’ MA thesis (on lesbian/gay parenthood) come alive!” I also realized that I hadn’t been to a wedding since 1995 (ciao, Luisa!) and that I’d forgotten what it was like to “feel the love in a room” in this (non-sexual) manner.



The number of well-wishing friends and relatives in attendance was overwhelming. Here Julianne dances to “In the Mood” with her 99-year-old grandmother. This photo represents the loving attitude that those religious bigots can’t seem to understand: “My granddaughter is in love, has a beautiful child, and wants to celebrate her union publicly and legally. What’s the big deal? Let’s dance!” This sentiment was also captured in my two favorite signs from the subsequent anti-Prop 8 protests:
I’m straight and I’m pissed.
OMG WTF SRSLY?



As the best man, Julianne’s brother gave a moving speech about the ongoing struggle for civil rights, made even more meaningful by the fact that his partner was seated next to him as a member of the wedding party. Who can be against such cuteness, really?

CEREMONY TEXT

I was honored to read the following text at Denise & Julianne's wedding:

From "Goodridge vs. Department of Health" by Massachusetts Supreme Court Chief Justice Margaret H. Marshall.

Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations...

Without question, civil marriage enhances the "welfare of the community." It is a "social institution of the highest importance"...

Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family...

Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition.