WHOLE FOODS HYSTERIA

After many months of breathless waiting by the yuppie masses, the new Whole Foods outpost finally opened in Noe Valley on September 30th. BFD!

In honor of its two-month anniversary, I am proud to announce that I STILL HAVE NOT SET FOOT in that goddamn store. 

Yes, I've desperately needed milk for my pastry addiction on more than one occasion, but not free-range goat milk from New Zealand, extracted by sufficiently warm hands and candlelight. So I have to rely on Safegay (Church & Market), Se Fue (29th & Mission), or even Walgreen's (gulp).

I knew all was lost in early September when a crowd gathered to marvel at the re-paved parking lot, which was marked off with yellow CAUTION tape. Yes, like a crime scene...complete with slack-jawed dolts taking pictures. They had these weird, predatory smiles on their faces, like a wolf drooling and licking its chops in an old cartoon.

Of course, I promptly called Tommy to make snarky comments. He's my partner in crime, the Statler to my Waldorf (Muppet Show reference for you young people), and a fellow Noe Valleyian.

On opening day, I called Tommy to laugh at all the pretentious assholes promenading up and down 24th Street with their WHOLE FOODS bags. He confirmed my worst fears, reporting that he saw the same thing over the hill in the Castro. Oh, come on...do we need another status symbol? Are WHOLE FOODS bags the new children?

It's true that we should be somewhat grateful in this economy that Whole Foods has hired lot attendants to cut down on parking-related brawls. From what I've seen, they're really good at their job in terms of managing cars, SUVs, and delivery trucks. However, where they see a driveway, I see a fucking sidewalk! So they'll wave cars in without "noticing" that a pedestrian is walking in front of said car. Glare, head snap, tongue cluck!

I guess these annoying yuppies are the price one pays for living in a safe urban environment. I sometimes try to defend Noe Valley when people start ragging about "dodging strollers and leashes" on the sidewalk, but I find myself doing exactly that, especially during my Saturday morning routine (the subject of an upcoming entry).

Apologies to Seattle Matt for this rant, who currently works in the Whole Foods corporate office.

http://www.slate.com/id/2138176/

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/02/business/02food.html

CLASH OF THE TITWADS

After another scrumptious Friday lunch at Nopalito, I was waiting for the 24 at Divisadero and Oak in the middle of all that nasty construction, so parts of the sidewalk were blocked. I observed gleefully as two clueless shitheads barreled down the sidewalk on a collision course. The guy was texting, while the chick was walking her dog without keeping track of the leash extension. When they crashed and became entangled, I snickered out loud. No, they didn’t giggle, pop a mint, and fall in love as on TV. Instead, they threw each other major attitude. That is sweet justice for two of the biggest sidewalk infractions in my book. “You’re both at fault, asswipes! Deal with it!”

SPOOGE NEWS 1

DOOGIE PITS: IN HONOR OF TONIGHT'S EMMY AWARDS

Harris says the most provocative thing he's done — the farthest away from Doogie — is when he played the MC in a risque Broadway revival of Cabaret."My hair was bleached blue-black, as were my eyebrows, my armpits, my happy trail," he describes. It was jarring for Doogie Howser fans. "I certainly changed their minds," he smiles.

RANDOM LANGUAGE 1

Most of you know that I get off on the randomness of language, like those wacky names generated by spam (Bjorn Iglesias) or the ways in which my students attempt to use Spanish/English dictionaries.

Ejemplo: Toco el róbalo. (I play the bass, as in fish.)

Well, the latest random language I’ve been encountering occurs when one attempts to respond to a post on CL. One has to type in two words before CL will let one proceed with whatever it is one is selling, buying, and other verbs.

The first combination to attract my attention was “chests steadier,” which brought to mind the “bro” Seinfeld episode. Anyway, here are some others that struck me as delicious:

billystick icebox
Floridians regroup
Corvette nation
love icily
tool antidread
hump Ralph
fusion rending
Minnelli kneecaps
Mary Mr.
scallops late
tangible grandchildren
poled Jessie
venture Manhattan
using calfskin
glitters Ginsberg
primped bobbling
safer Barbara
knock Bridgeport
Kurt thud
since frisbee
crumpet income
Harvey chuckles
droops Thursday
112 curators
the anointed
Fred surmised

You see, we could combine a bunch of these to form outrageous sentences and/or headlines. I would do some for you, but since we’re spouting this “student-centered learning” claptrap in the teaching world, YOU FUCKING DO IT YOURSELF AND REPORT BACK TO ME.

MARK & DANIEL

Mark & Daniel decided to get married at City Hall the night before Election Day, as gads of early voters flocked to the polls in the basement. The irony of the situation was apparent; one of my favorite slogans was “When do I get to vote on YOUR marriage?” Luckily, we were in San Francisco, so many voters emerging from the basement cheered and clapped for the same-sex couples marrying in the rotunda. In fact, one of these supportive types snapped this pic after the short but sweet ceremony.

The grooms’ biological families down in LA are wholly supportive but couldn’t attend due to the last-minute nature of the ceremony, so Matt and I were conscripted to serve as witnesses and media coordinators. As with “the girls” in the entry below, this decision took some balls/ovaries, asking someone who is so blatantly single to participate in such a momentous event, but allí está la gracia de la situación and I didn’t hesitate for a moment. After all, Mark & Daniel are my role models for couplehood. If I ever decide to settle down, the relationship will have to be a lot like theirs.

Matt filmed the proceedings while my job was to hold cell phones nearby so the families could listen in. I also provided a little comic relief when I got confused during the ring handoff. Nevertheless, we all lost our composure as Mark & Daniel sputtered and cried their way through their original vows, which they had composed privately and were hearing for the first time. Even the DMC (Deputy Marriage Commissioner) had tears in her eyes, and I was struck by the fact that their vows moved her even though she had performed hundreds of these ceremonies previously. There was so much power behind those words, it was really quite remarkable, and I allowed myself to think that love has to win out in the end.

The sad reality is that misguided and/or hateful people on the wrong side of history voted to take civil rights away from us. Someday I hope future generations (including their own kids) will gape in disbelief at the way the religious wrong used democracy for nefarious purposes through Prop 8. (2-4-6-8, separation of Church and State!) The two ceremonies recounted here were different in many ways, but what they had in common was an expression of love and acceptance in the face of hatred and intolerance. In a way, these two dear couples decided to take the plunge and hedge their bets at the same time: our commitment will last even if the law supporting it does not.

You’ll notice that the term “cynical idealism” appears in my blog’s subtitle, so if you’re ever looking for me, that’s where I’ll be: waiting for the bus at the intersection of Love and Pragmatism.

DENISE & JULIANNE

As you all know, the passage of Prop 8 was a travesty. I haven’t been this angry at California voters since Schwarzenegger was elected. Several friends tied the knot “before the deadline” (which is an awful thing to write when you think about it), but my teaching schedule only allowed me to attend two ceremonies. The first was Denise & Julianne’s shindig in Folsom. Photos courtesy of Nick & Ken, with the relevant caption appearing below each one. As always, click on the pics for a better view.



Here you can see the moment where I ripped the microphone out of the officiant’s hand and launched into an a cappella rendition of “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.” But seriously, folks, I was so honored when “the girls” asked me to give a reading at their ceremony, then so relieved that the text wasn’t some syrupy schmaltz I don’t really believe. I’ve posted the reading in the entry below titled CEREMONY TEXT. (By the way, the actual caption should read: “Don’t make me cry,” I whispered to Denise.)



Jackson joins his moms on the dance floor. The whole evening, I kept thinking, “This is my friggin’ MA thesis (on lesbian/gay parenthood) come alive!” I also realized that I hadn’t been to a wedding since 1995 (ciao, Luisa!) and that I’d forgotten what it was like to “feel the love in a room” in this (non-sexual) manner.



The number of well-wishing friends and relatives in attendance was overwhelming. Here Julianne dances to “In the Mood” with her 99-year-old grandmother. This photo represents the loving attitude that those religious bigots can’t seem to understand: “My granddaughter is in love, has a beautiful child, and wants to celebrate her union publicly and legally. What’s the big deal? Let’s dance!” This sentiment was also captured in my two favorite signs from the subsequent anti-Prop 8 protests:
I’m straight and I’m pissed.
OMG WTF SRSLY?



As the best man, Julianne’s brother gave a moving speech about the ongoing struggle for civil rights, made even more meaningful by the fact that his partner was seated next to him as a member of the wedding party. Who can be against such cuteness, really?

CEREMONY TEXT

I was honored to read the following text at Denise & Julianne's wedding:

From "Goodridge vs. Department of Health" by Massachusetts Supreme Court Chief Justice Margaret H. Marshall.

Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations...

Without question, civil marriage enhances the "welfare of the community." It is a "social institution of the highest importance"...

Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family...

Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition.

A GAY HERO FOR OUR TIME

Why is diving so gay?

I think that’s a rhetorical question, but I’m not sure. Is there something about displaying one’s nearly naked body in all sorts of uncomfortably sexy positions that attracts gay men disproportionately (as both participants and observers)? Is it just porn with gravity and chlorine?

Between the slo-mo, the stro-mo, the grunt mic, and the underwater camera (showing lots of adjustments and even a few cracks), the coverage of the Beijing diving events was almost too much to bear. I was riveted.

Do you remember when someone produced a video of Greg Louganis diving in slow motion, set to classical music? That was spooge-tastic, and not just in the obvious way.

If diving is gay, then synchronized diving is extremely gay, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. One straight male blogger was made uncomfortable by footage of the diving partners showering off and chatting after each dive. Hello?! Have you ever been in a locker room? Making small talk in the shower is a friggin art form. Could that writer be more stereotypically straight, projecting his own repressed fantasies and obvious homophobia?

The two divers didn’t just finish having sex. The glowing, sheepish, pissed, or pained looks they’re shooting at each other have to do with athletic performance, not sexual performance, as much as we might wish for the latter. I guess that’s the difference between straight men and gay men. We have the same thoughts but different reactions to those thoughts: one group pukes and the other group shoots.

I say, MAKE DIVING GAYER. Feature different looks for each dive, with scores given for hairstyles, bathing suits, soundtrack, splash designs, and thematic unity. How about a series of snaps or dance moves to celebrate poolside? Synchronized diving could take it a step further, with the incorporation of synchronized swimming moves to transport divers from the point of entry to the deck. In what kind of formation will they pop out of the water? Such suspense! Or just a simple make-out session would suffice. Hot!

Speaking of hot, I have two words for you: Alexandre Despatie. This Canadian silver medalist is just head-bangingly gorgeous. On the flip side, what’s up with American Troy Dumais and his teensy nipples? The commentators mentioned that he had trained himself down to 4% body fat. Does that mean his body is so starved for fat that it’s sucking his nipples in? As the extreme bears at Lone Star might yell, “Eat something, Calista!”

Now back to Matthew Mitcham and what he has achieved. I cannot overemphasize what a huge deal this is for gays everywhere. To be the only openly gay male athlete at the 2008 Summer Games, and then to beat out the favorite on his home turf…that is the very definition of FABOO.

It’s true that NBC didn’t mention anything about Mitcham’s sexual orientation or milestone achievement, but if you watch the closing slo-mo montage with Bob Costas’ insipid voiceover, there is a brief shot of Mitcham hugging his mother in the stands after the medal ceremony.

I’m extremely interested to know how Mitcham has been portrayed by the Australian press and received by the Australian public. The sad truth is that you can be an Olympic gold medalist, but to some people you’re still just a fag and nothing more. Nothing is ever enough to erase that fact.

I remember when Greg Louganis was the grand marshal of San Diego’s Gay Pride Parade one year, and the fanatical Christians in the protest zone held up signs like, “Die of AIDS and Burn in Hell, Diseased Faggot.” Seriously.

While reading a Yahoo blog about Mitcham’s victory, I noticed one Neanderthal’s comment on Mitcham’s unfair advantage. It went something like this: Since he’s a fag, he’s used to holding his breath thanks to all the cocksucking. Huh?

In spite of such idiocy, I went to bed with a big smile on my face, and as I drifted off, I had the thought, “Well, at least we prevented a Chinese sweep of the diving medals.” I sat right up, just like in the movies, and went WTF?!

What the hell was this “we”, and why the nationalistic bent? I’ve never even visited Australia and I have nothing against the Chinese (except for my former landlord). It’s because the “we” was the gay “we,” which crosses all sorts of borders. And I felt that somehow I was able to share in this victory. I hope that Mitcham keeps representin’ and inspires a new generation of gays, athletes, gay athletes, and their supporters…just as he inspired a husky, balding, American, bitter queen over 40 with Speedo envy.

PHELPS MANIA

I’m absolutely not trying to diminish the mind-blowing feats achieved by Michael Phelps in Beijing, but it was surreal to see the commentators analyze and dissect his body with the help state-of-the-art computer graphics in order to explain his success. Does the whole world need to know that his flat butt helps him move faster in the water? I wonder, would they say the same thing about a runner’s smallish, tight nutsac?

They went into great detail about his caloric intake, including a long list of breakfast items, and I thought to myself, “Oh boy, if they’re going down this road, the next logical topic is to discuss his ‘output’ (to put it delicately), and if this devolves into athletic scat talk (to put it indelicately), I’m so out of here.”

And why not mention his lisp, his candidacy for cosmetic dental work, and his penchant for saying “I’m at a loss of words” instead of “I’m at a loss FOR words”?

Anyway, I started pondering what was behind this odd line of thought, which led me to a sort of nightmarish semiotic flashback to the six-year sentence I served in UCSD’s Lit Crit Viper Pit. I then recalled clipping a short piece out of the New Yorker which epitomized academic folly for me in a very sharp manner. (June 9 & 16, 2008) In “Goombah 101,” Joan Acocella wrote that Fordham University recently hosted a conference about “The Sopranos.” Two paper titles she mentioned were:

“Blabbermouth Cunts”: “The Sopranos” and the Feminist Dilemma

A “Finook” in the Crew: Vito Spatafore and the Queering of the Mob Genre

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, really. Maybe academia really is mental masturbation at its core. These dickwads respond to some pop-culture product on a gut level, then try to justify this obsession with theoretical tracts about “what’s at stake,” in the immortal words of the UCSD queer theory specialist whose name must never be spoken. I know someone who wrote a paper on the Spice Girls. Enough said.

So in the spirit of academic hoo-ha, here are some possible titles for you to chew on:

Patriotic Bodies: Large Wingspans, Flexible Ankles, and Flat Butts

Beijing’s Gold-Medal 100 Free Relay: Do Americans Display the Best Ab Domi-Nation?

Michael Phelps Dissected: Dolphin Kicks, Lingering Lisps, and Big Ears

Bullying Michael Phelps: Tweaked Ears and the Revenge of the Nerd

The Most Important Meal of the Day: Michael Phelps, Wheaties, and Chocolate Chip Pancakes

I Will Be Your Father Figure: Michael Phelps, Mark Spitz, and Unmarried Coaches

OLYMPIAN DROOL

What do the Olympic Games mean to me? The thrill of victory? The agony of defeat? The brotherhood of man? The politics of athletics? The stickiness of patriotism? The stench of corporate sponsorship?

Get real…it’s all about beautiful bodies and men who weep during medal ceremonies.

What is this thing I have about crying men? Besides Heath Ledger pictured below in the previous entry, it could be Matt Damon losing it in “Good Will Hunting” or Noah Wyle weeping in a bathroom stall on “ER” or almost anybody on “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”. Give me a strong jawline, quivering lips, watery eyes—and I’m all over the floor.

I call it a “non-sexual turn-on” but friends at a recent gathering poo-pooed the idea as hopelessly contradictory (hello, look who you’re dealing with) and said it was a fetish, pure and simple. Regardless of what we call it, it’s not about sex or humiliation or schadenfreude, but instead warm-n-fuzzy things like joy and pride and expansiveness of spirit. (Who remembers warm fuzzies and cold pricklies from Round Meadow Elementary School?! Maybe that’s where it all started…)


There were so many gorgeous bodies on parade, way too many to name here, but three notable American specimens somewhat overshadowed by others were David Lee (volleyball), Nick Symmonds (track), and Ryan Lochte (swimming, pictured above).

Speaking of Lochte, who thankfully went topless for his gold-medal backstroke performance, to hell with those state-of-the-art swimsuits! When I see men wearing them along with swim caps, I’m reminded of the East German female swimmers of yore. If American aquatics organizations really want swimming to become a more popular sport in the US, show some skin, damnit! Who doesn’t like to see four scantily clad studs hugging each other with heaving abs and perky nipples? Geez!

On that note, allow me to weigh in on the beach volleyball debate. Mr. All-or-Nothing says: “Either strip down the men or allow the women to cover up!” This goes beyond the T&A factor. I’m talking about health issues. The women have to expose more of themselves to skin cancer, but the men don’t? Hell, make the men wear Speedos and THEN we’ll have a beach party.

For all of the yummy muscles and raised arms on display, there was a severe lack of pit hair, especially in gymnastics. I understand the reasoning behind shaving for swimmers (a student once casually mentioned shaving parties and I about plotzed on the spot), but beyond that, I guess other athletes do it for aesthetic reasons? I mean, does pit hair really distract the judges during routines on the rings, even if tastefully groomed?

American gymnast Jonathan Horton, the scrappy little fratboy with the freakishly ginormous biceps, seems to have found a happy medium by trimming his pit hair nicely (as did a few of the divers). So thank you, Jonathan, even though you’re probably a huge prick/Republican I would absolutely detest in real life.

Was anyone else creaming over the volleyball players in general? All that height, sweat, arm-age, body art, and facial hair! One homophobic blogger questioned the fact that volleyball teams huddle and pat each other’s butts after each play, calling the players needy. I say, BRING IT ON!

As the volleyball tournament progressed, did you notice that the cameras started shooting the guys from the waist up during those huddles? Of course you did, because you’re as “perversant” as I am. (Combination of perverted and observant…or conversant with perversion?) WTF? It’s OK in football but not volleyball? Hypocrites!

A few names that struck my fancy:
Liam Tancock, swimming, Great Britain
Karen Burncock, trampoline, Canada
Michael Rimmer, track, Great Britain

Parting snarky comment in reference to the Chinese gymnast “scandal”: A government altering official documents? Duh! That NEVER happens, especially not in the USA.

Finally, as you may have noticed, I have written a separate entry on the latest gay hero, Matthew Mitcham, Australian gold medalist in men’s 10m platform diving. Oy! Well done, mate!